somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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