I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
