wakey wakey hands off snakey
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
