A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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