I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.