Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
