I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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