Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She is in my trunk
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.