He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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