im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
