Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize