Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
