Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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