I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
