You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
