Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
