Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
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It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
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Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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