textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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