the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
