He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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