I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
