Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
