i think my tv is drunk
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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