you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
