I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
