When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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