I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
