Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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