I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
