Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Randomize
