You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
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Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
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Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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