community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
