Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
