Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
