I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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