This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
