I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My friends, they love my intelligence
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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