I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
