I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
