spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
