So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
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He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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