Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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