You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
