My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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