I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
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