Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
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I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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