Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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