All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
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He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
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KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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