i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
