Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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