The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
