I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
