don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
