No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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