gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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