I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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